Everyone who knows me can attest to the fact that I’m very honest, sometimes brutally honest and I say what I mean and of course I mean what I say. I’ve wanted to write about this topic for months if not years and I’ve seen some videos on Social Media of creators talking about this subject and I felt it’s time to join in the conversation. And one of the reasons I didn’t until now is because many of you guys are not ready to hear the truth and not many of you know how to process a harsh truth, especially when it comes to romantic relationships.
Dating in nowadays society has become very chaotic, toxic, confusing to say the least and from what I can tell, from my own experience, not worth it. And this coming from a hopeless romantic like myself, it does mean a lot, so let that sink in.
I’m gonna take you just a couple of years back, not too far, don’t worry, we’re talking College years and explain my approach on dating back then. I want to preface this by saying that I’ve never had any training when it comes to dating, only surface level stuff from close friends so every single thing that I’ve learned, I’ve learned the hard way. In College I had this mentality that I want to go out and see who I like and who I don’t, I was big on giving a guy a shot even if he was not my type physically because, like my friends would say „You don’t know if you like the guy, until you go out on a date with him”.
And that’s only partially true. I was not thought attraction needs to play a huge part in romantic relationships because as women we’re always thought that „If he treats you well, that’s good enough and you should give him a chance”. I’ve always had a problem with that and I’ve always hated this approach because it implies that we should choose a man because he’s a good guy not because we actually like the way he looks and we are 110% attracted to him. It just further perpetuates the notion that women should settle and not be superficial when it comes to looks in dating, but on the other hand, men from the down of time, they’ve been known to be extremely superficial and judge women by their looks, appearance with no problem and it’s deemed as normal and somehow expected from them.
If they don’t like you physically and don’t find you attractive they will not treat you well or even be kind to you. Cause they simply don’t have a reason to, they have nothing to gain from that. Listen, I know there may be exceptions to the rule, but that’s what they are…exceptions and they are very rare.
Everyone is different, to each their own I am not judging here whatsoever, but for me, chemistry, physical attraction, sparks, fireworks and the whole nine ward needs to happen at all times when I am with my partner. I’ve heard so many times in my life from people who are married or in long term relationships that „Oh, you are going to get bored eventually. The spark never stays for too long.” or „That feeling is only in the beginning, it will not last” and what’s even more frustrating, some people actually told me „You will never find that type of love or relationship cause it does not exist. You will stay single.” And I think that’s complete BS and a projection of their own unhappiness in their relationships because they have probably figured out they messed up and it’s too late (from their perspective) to back down from their commitment.
I remember the notion of „giving an ugly guy a chance” from Billie Eilish and to be completely honest she does have a point. Never do that cause you will probably end up hurt either way. Why get hurt by an ugly one? It truly does not make any sense. My advice? Never be in a romantic relationship with someone that you feel like „it’s whatever” or „myeah he’s fine” or „you know…at least he treats me like a queen”. These are the words of someone who’s unhappy in a relationship and they completely settled because they thought they will not find anyone else to be in a relationship with and in their mind, something it’s better than nothing. Or they simply were treated so bad in past relationships that when someone gives them a glimpse of how human decency and kindness looks like… everything else is irrelevant.
When it comes to romantic partners we all have patterns. I’m not just gonna tell you what mine is, but you know …Tom Hardy is a hint. Like I’ve mentioned before, women are expected not to be superficial or shallow when it comes to romantic relationships and just learn to love the person for the things they can do for them and what they can offer…because what? They are a good guy. We are also thought that love comes after, with time and of course in time you will learn to love the person you’re with even if you are not totally attracted to them.
That is the most toxic and annoying take I’ve ever came across on this internet. How about this? And here’s my hot take, right? Being a nice person, meaning decent, kind, empathetic, friendly and all that good stuff, does not automatically qualify you to become my boyfriend or partner or whatever you want to call it. Because that for me is the bare minimum to even give you the time of day. If you’re not all those things you are not even in my proximity, we’re not even breathing the same air. But let’s say you are those things …you know what that qualifies you at? A friend. A good friend and nothing more. People need to understand that romantic relationships are not built by someone being a good person, because guess what? That should be the default of how people should behave in general. Have you ever heard of chemistry, intimacy, physical attraction? These are the things that separates your friend from your partner/husband/wife. I hate to break it to you guys, but if being a good person is the standard and that’s what we’re looking for in a romantic partner, something is seriously wrong.
I’m not saying people should become superficial, shallow and only into looks, but what I am saying is that some people need to learn how to differentiate between someone who can become your boyfriend or future partner and someone who is just a friend. It’s truly sad and concerning that some people think they can trick or gaslight their heart into being in love with someone they have no physical desire for. Here’s the thing: you can respect, admire, appreciate and be grateful for a man being a good person towards you, showing you kindness and being a decent human being, but the truth is that’s the bare minimum and we should all act like that between us either way. And yes, that applies to women as well, not only to men. It goes both ways.
All of this to say: don’t lie to yourself and be authentic to whom you truly love and find attractive because that person can truly make you happy. Selena Gomez said it best „The heart wants what it wants”. Of course, your heart should not want an emotionally unavailable man, afraid of commitment and intimacy that lacks empathy and emotional intelligence as well. But you know, that’s the topic for another article.