Let me start by clarifying a few things before we start, because I want to give the opportunity to the people who don’t have the same perspective as me, to skip this one. I usually don’t talk about relationships on my page, meaning I never do, because it’s a very personal topic, one that involves lots of nuances that I might not be able to express in one single article.
First thing right off the bat is that I’ve been single for a few years, we’re talking four, five years and one of the hardest things for me to admit is that I’ve never had a long term relationship. The reason I’m disclosing this information is because I want the people with the mentality „Oh, so you didn’t have a long term relationship, so you don’t get to have an opinion” „You don’t know what’s like so you can’t say anything.” to choose if they want to keep reading or not, because what they read, might not resonate with them.
We can all agree that Social Media has forever changed the way we view relationships, especially romantic ones and I believe it has also changed what a healthy relationship looks like or even begins. That’s a lot of change to process for any human being and from what I can tell we are still learning and adapting because the changes keep on coming every day. It’s true that with all the dating apps, we have more and more options to meet new people and to find the best match for us. If you think about it, the math is mathing. Dating apps have successfully created an environment where you can meet multiple suitors and give you the opportunity to choose. I’ve also heard the idea that dating apps and Social Media in general create the illusion that you have multiple options out there that are just waiting for you, but in fact you don’t really have those options.
Simply looking at the facts, by swiping right on someone’s profile and matching with them that is an option. That’s a new person you can meet and get to know in a romantic way, because let’s be fair and honest, on dating apps we are looking for someone in a romantic sense, not particularly a friend. Remember when I’ve mentioned nuances in the beginning? Well here’s one for you: you may have a million options, and none of them may be the right one for you. That’s how they get you hooked in the online dating game. Dating apps have not created the illusion of multiple options; they’ve created and amplified something way more damaging: we’re talking the fear of commitment and fear of missing out. Let’s discuss. Of course these two things were present and felt by every individual before Social Media, but with dating apps people are more likely to want to keep their options open nowadays. „Why would I want something exclusive when I can shoot my shot with X, Y and Z?” „Why would I commit to one person? Someone better might be right around the corner”.
Before Social Media came along commitment to a romantic partner was seen as normal, desirable and a goal. Now we see it as a problem, an inconvenience to our lives that brings uncertainty and confusion. But let’s say that by the grace of God you’re now committed to your partner. Social Media has implemented the idea in our heads that what’s out there is better, is more exciting and fresh and new. And what you have now is boring and is getting old. Don’t get me wrong, your relationship may be stagnant and if it’s going nowhere, you might want to re-think it, but for the majority of the cases, people tend to get bored of what they already have and they want the chase and the thrill of speaking and dating someone new.
A little math never hurt anyone, so if we add up the fear of commitment with the fear of missing out, ledies and gents, we get the need for validation. And this need is the hardest to satisfy because it comes from deep insecurities and trauma that we may not even realize we have. That’s why it’s so important to know yourself really well before getting into a relationship.
For the past few years I’ve noticed a trend that became more and more popular and that is people wanting their exes back, people trying to manifest their old partners back and believing that the person who broke-up with them might be the one person they are supposed to spend their entire life with. And I will try my best to be as kind, understanding and nice as I can be, but this mentality needs to stop. A lot of people are miserable because they cannot move on from a past lover and they don’t want to accept the simple fact that it did not work out. They would hold on to that connection, to the memories and moments they shared like it’s the Holy Spirit. I do understand one thing: people have their own grieving process and will move forward on their own time, but let’s keep it very real here, most of you are not even trying to move on, you dwell in the past and in the victim mentality a lot.
That’s when this becomes an issue. I am able to recognize this behavior because guess what, I’ve been there as well. In College I used to love fantasizing about getting back with that guy I really liked, you know the feeling… the feeling that you lost the one. And just so happens that we would get back together and I would think it’s fate that brought us back, but was it tho? It most certainly was not. It took me a while to pinpoint the real issue. The issue was I was romanticizing the reconciliation process with those people. Because yes, I will admit that part was amazing, was sweet and everything I could imagine. But for how long? For a very short period of time, we’re talking weeks in my case. Remember the beginning of a relationship? It’s perfect, we get along, we’re in sync, it’s all lovey dovey like it’s supposed to be and by getting back together we hope and we pray that we get that feeling back. And we do, but like I said, it’s very short lived, because reality sinks in and we are always gonna remember the reasons why we broke-up with someone.
I don’t really blame people for romanticizing going back to their ex, not 100% at least. Because Disney and Hollywood have something to do with it. By inserting in our minds that people can change, people might be the right person at the wrong time and you just need to wait for them and people might come around and realize that they made a huge mistake by letting you go. And of course because we’re hopeless romantics we literally pray for that to happen and we can’t wait for that moment to come. And sometimes we’re even willing to wait for years because we imagine the reconciliation will be that much sweeter and fairy tale like. Let me be abundantly clear here: people do not break-up with you so they can change and for you guys to get back together after they’re in the right headspace.
And most of all, please understand this: there is no right person at the wrong time. When it’s the right person for you, you both will be on the same page, you will both want the relationship and there will be no break-up whatsoever. The right person for you will come correct from the start and will not have you wait for them to be ready for you. And waiting for them, wishing they just realize how amazing you are and imagine how amazing it will be one day for them to come back and say to you „I know what I’ve lost now. I’m sorry it took so long for me to realize that” it’s extremely toxic and damaging. It forces you to keep remembering the past and not moving on in the real sense. That’s why you never keep in touch with an ex, you never write to them and you delete and block them on Social Media.
Even if you guys ended things on good terms, you don’t need to keep seeing their stuff on Social Media and vice versa. A break-up is a break-up for a reason and needs to be treated as such. Sometimes that means going cold turkey because that’s how you move on for good. But most of you are not ready for this conversation.
I am not a relationship coach whatsoever, I’m just here expressing my opinion and I believe that if people would understand these things faster and apply them, they will have a better life and they would only attract the people that are meant to stay in their lives. Dating is tricky in the Social Media era, but for the most part it’s because people lack boundaries, and if they have them, they throw them out the window for someone who’s not worth it.
As always, my comment section and email address are here for a reason, let me know what you guys think on this topic.